I bet birds see planes and are just like, "damn, that's a big bird."

A cop on a motorcycle pulled me over for not wearing a seatbelt once.

I text and drive, but only the message “Don’t text and drive or else you’ll die” to ensure that they use me in those commercials later.

If Nintendo made an original GameBoy that made phone calls I would drop this iPhone bullshit yesterday.

Donald Trump's patronus would be a dementor.

"I'm the least racist person you know" is usually only said by the most racist person you know.

Donald Trump always fucking says, “I’m the least racist person you know.”

Dudes say they’re “100% straight” like they haven’t tested their can-I-suck-my-own-dick-flexibility more than twice.

Two babies walk into a bar. It’s their first steps taken so everybody claps and cheers them on. Nobody notices their crippling alcoholism.

Everything you eat tastes like shit eventually.

The reason I love Kanye West is because he's been trying to ruin his career for years and he just can't do it.

Marriage is just about finding somebody that you can get fat with.

Online form asked me to fill out my basic information and I'm like, "bitch, my name, address and phone number ain't BASIC."

As a kid, the only thing worse than accidentally calling your teacher "Mom" is accidentally calling your teacher "Mom" you’re while banging him.

"Google" has to be most searched word typed into a Bing search bar, right?

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse out.